Beautiful Sunday. Led worship today, and the course of preparing for it has rejuvenated my mind and my soul. The week or so I spent thinking through the songs and the verses and words to say had been a challenging one. I had this ‘mental block’ and I just couldn’t think straight becuase I would get so distracted every time. I find that this is usually so almost every week, and I spend my time praying and praying, asking and asking God about what I should say, what He wants me to say. What would work out this week? And as I get tired, it gets tempting to not-think-so-much. But I always remind myself that it is not about me, but about God. And He is probably the only reason why I can convince myself out of taking the easy way out. And through this, it never ceases to renew, renew and renew.
I get this adrenaline rush everytime I lead worship, my face feels flushed, and when it’s over, I get SUPERRRR tired. Haha, but when I do get my afternoon nap, I sleep with a smile on my face. Smiling, because of the privilege to serve God. Smiling not because of any merit of my own, but that God is glorified. And how much I have grown since I have started serving.
I remember how I had always wanted to be a worship leader since I was 12 or 13. But the motivations behind them weren’t exactly right. I thought that as a worship leader, I could be in charge and hence, choose my favourite songs. So I could choose nice songs to sing, and ignore the song that did not appeal to me, or the songs that I did not know. I liked singing familiar tunes, and I thought that as a worship leader, I had the power to control the songs that were sung. I also saw being a worship leader as a platform for me to sing. I thought it was cool to be singing in front. It just felt nice to be up there. It seemed like a ‘concert’ to me. I always wanted to be a worship leader for almost every wrong reason — and these reasons could have had very devastating consequences.
Each year at church camps, the yearning to be in the worship team just got stronger and stronger. I wanted to sing the song 3 times instead of 2; i wanted to get the guys to sing one verse and the girls to sing the other; I thought I could make it better; it was always about me. And I often prayed to God, asking Him to let me be one. I was too shy to actually approach the person in charge to ask if I could be in the team, so I secretly wished in my heart for someone to approach me, talk about it, and that’s when i ’sneak’ in my interest in being a worship leader.
It never happened. For such a longgg longgg time.
Instead, I signed myself up to play the piano. I was really nervous then. Probably 14 years old? i still remembered that the first time I played in my youth service was over at the old church buildling, in the room built outside the multi-purpose hall, beside the sinks. The room was between the staircase that led to the classrooms and the MPH. I could remember every single detail up till today, and where the piano was situated. It was the period of time when transparencies & projectors were used to flash the lyrics onto the screen. 
I still remembered Sharon’s encouragements. I really miss Sharon.
Did you know that I learnt to play chord accompliment from a primary 1 or 2 boy? It was Agnes’s younger brother. I did not know how to go about it, then I was watching this little boy playing the piano one day and I just observed. I would never forget that moment, somehow.
So keyboard alll the way for 4 years. There, I observed how worship leaders led. I observed and I observed and I, observed. They always seemed so prepared. And I wondered what went on in their minds. How they felt when they were up there. How did they know what to say, or whether what they said was right/appropriate, etc.
It wasn’t until last year in 2006, that Dancia and Laiwah asked if I was ready to serve as a worship leader.
I remember I was like “Wowww, it’s been quite a while since I remembered praying to God for a sign or confirmation to letting me be a W.L.” It was a good whole 5 years since! I did say yes, but they still had me on ‘probation’ (the word’s not as bad as it sounds! I can’t think of a better word. =P) It was during the ‘At The Well’ series for senior DG, that I led my first worship session of a small group — the song was How Great Is Our God.
Indeed, how great is our God. The 2nd year is now coming to a close, and it has been a wild roller coaster ride for me. I remember Kelvin saying once, that we can’t just sit by the side of the pool and dip our toes into the pool – just playing around the surface. But in order to experience God’s fullness, grace and love, we gotta DIVE right into the pool! Great leap of faith. But all worth it. I have learnt so so much ever since I made that commitment. It wasn’t smooth sailing. There were times I almost drowned, times I felt SOOOO tired treading water, times I felt likes I was swimming in quicksand rather than water, times when I wanted to give up….
I felt tired ‘treading water’ whenever I was scheduled when I was feeling spiritually dry. It was the feeling of having to tell someone ‘it’s okay’ when I myself, am not convinced. It was times like these when I did not like feeling like a hypocrite. Everyone has their weaknesses, so do WLs. Initially, I kept all these thoughts to myself, afraid that if I told anyone, it would not be ‘good’ for me to be a WL. I carried this unnecessary baggage, until I began to open up, and told some of the people around me outright, that I was feeling spiritually dry. God knew and understood and put people around me who encouraged me, and assured me that it was normal and nothing wrong to be feeling this way. I learnt to accept that it is okay to be down. And I also learnt that I did not have to be a hypocrite when I am experiencing my down-and-out moments. I have learnt to put these down-and-out moments in front of God, and to be absolutely real with Him. “this is how i feel, please tell me what to do”. It took practice and a lot of prayer and focus, and alot of desire as well. But God has taught me that He would use me in every situation to make my service more REAL. By searching my inner most thoughts, I find myself better able to connect with the congregation. A WL does not have to be living perfectly, all smiles–no tears. And over this 1+ years, I have learnt to be more and more REAL. It has even become a standard that I live by as a WL. How amazing God puts things in place — in His time.
I felt like giving up when I vividly remember this incident. I was to lead worship and I took time to choose the songs carefully. However, I did not prepare the Key I wanted to sing them in. It caused alot of time and confusion, and even frustration for my musicians — they felt that I was not prepared. And I was deeply hurt. Not by them, but for just feeling inadequate. I thank God for Yvonne. She was honest with me, and I think we both remember that I broke down. I could not take the stress then. I really didn’t want things to work out that way. Yvonne was a strong encouragement to me then, she knew it was not easy. She understood. As a WL, having to coordinate not only the songs, but the chords of the songs, the musicians, the powerpoint slides, and on the sunday itself — like an octopus! But God’s grace is definitely enough. Squeezing time here and there to do up the slides, I can even find a suitable key for the song chords online using Virtual Keyboard, and seriously, by God’s grace, every Sunday, His hand guides me and comforts me. And for these 2 years it has been like that… rollercoaster UPPPPP, rollercoaster DOWNNNN. But now I am learning to manage my DOWWWNNNSSS and it has helped me come to understand and see God from a closer,more upfront perspective. I could pour out my joy, complains, sadness, hurts and worries to Him. And He never fails to provide, provide and provide. ENDLESS!
I believe that during the 5 years of ‘waiting’, God was preparing me. He knew I wasn’t ready 7 years ago. Although the desire was there, the motivations were out of place. And this is how God nurtures us. He uses the LONGGGGGGGG TERMMMM approach. 5 years. To me, 5 years was so long that I even began to forget what I prayed. But to Him, 5 years was perfect. Choosing my favourite songs to sing is no longer my priority. But I have began to look into the lyrics of songs. I place utmost importance in lyrics. Because a melody or tune can just be any song. What makes a song? A song or praise to God is not how beautiful the melody is, but what the song says — the lyrics. Lyrics.. lyrics.. lyrics. That’s why sometimes, when I can’t find the right song with the right lyrics, I start writing my own. With the sole purpose of expressing what I want to say, what the people might want to sing/say. And I thank God for putting musically talented people all around me. Music & lyrics play such a big role in my life, especially most recently. I have written songs for people dear to me, who mean the world to me, and who have touched me. And I don’t think that’s gonna stop.
The world says that we Christians paint a beautiful picture of life on earth. No, the picture that is painted before us ain’t waterfalls, gardens and bird and flowers and beautiful things. We see the same picture as the eyes of the rest of the world. The only difference is that, we know the Painter. And that is enough, to keep us singing, praising and dancing.
And this quote that I learnt from sermon today also captures the essence. “Those that danced were thought to be quite insane by those that could not hear the music.” -Angela Monet.
